Tags: Readers of this blog may be surprised by my sudden reappearance in this space. The truth is that over the past three years I have focused my writing and spare time on finishing a project that has been in the works for me for over 10 years. My online course and e-book are scheduled for publication in fall 2024: Father Figures: Re-fathering for Gay Men. This course aims to help gay and queer men find a source of nurturing, gay energy that is particularly custom fit to them. You can see more on my website regarding that process and taking the course.
Finally finishing a project that had been in the works for more than 10 years (granted, on again off again) produced a very strange sensation of accomplishment and wonder. I wondered how I ever finished it. Year after year I would say, this is the year I finish Father Figures. Another year went by. And another. Writing partners, setting goals for myself, rewards, and reinforcements, they all came and went. What never left was my commitment to the project and what it could mean to my clients and to gay and queer men around the world.
Like a good psychotherapist, I began to look at the process itself, the constant delaying and precluding the work I needed to do. The effects of going through this roller coaster of promises to myself broken again and again contributed to an overall undermining of self-esteem. Finally, I remembered that it is in keeping one’s word to oneself that self-esteem starts to grow. So, I turned my project into an orderly bunch of doable baby steps, assuring myself that I only had to do that one small thing in the time allotted and I could congratulate myself for having kept my word.
If this all starts to sound like Project Management 101, it is. But it is so easy to forget that when your head is spinning with self-recriminations. Self-doubt: Will I ever finish it? Self-disgust: How many times have I failed to “get it done?” Self-judgment: I am a failure. My experience says that it is at that point that you find out what kind of commitment you really have to the project. Sometimes it is better to just admit that the project is not worth doing, or you are no longer interested, and move on to something else.
When a back burner project will not die and will not go away, however, you need to muster the commitment to move it up to the front burner. The front burner need only be creating a schedule and then putting it away until the time is right. For me, the best way to move a project forward, whether long-term or short, is to first and foremost, create a timeline or schedule for it, one that is broken down into various components, with days estimated for how long each step will take to complete. After that, the dates go on a calendar.
In long-term projects, you can assure yourself that the work will not be forgotten and that it will be broken down into small, doable steps when the assigned time comes. It is a slow path to accomplishment because it is stretched out over a long period, but one that will take you where you want to go. For short-term projects, the timeline/schedule allows you to budget daily hours so that you make sure there is time set aside for the here-and-now needs of the project. In both cases, it is the recognition of your own commitment to the value of the project that will assure you that, no matter at what speed, progress will be made.
David Bowman LMFT is a licensed psychotherapist based in Los Angeles, California.
Photo licensed from Shutterstock.