Tags: Many men have issues with their fathers. Dozens of books have been written on the way that mid-century North American male culture de-emphasized emotional relationships between fathers and sons, and instead focused on competition, stoicism, and independence. As a consequence, boys often grew up with men who taught them that a man favors conflict over compromise and is distant and uncomfortable with emotions. Straight boys, however, could still find role models in the general culture—every movie and TV show showed straight boys how to be men. For gay boys there was no such thing. In fact, for anyone who did not see himself as mainstream and straight, there were no role models at all.
It is easy to get stuck in complaints about the father you never got or in blaming the father figure you did get for not giving you the thing you needed and wanted. And while it is important to understand what went on back then (and what coping mechanisms you adopted to survive those circumstances), it is equally important to learn how to provide that missing “thing” for yourself. Now that you are an adult, no parent, no friend, no addiction, and certainly no “one-and-only” can provide that “thing” for you now.
How do you provide that missing male role-modeling for yourself? By this I do NOT mean some stereotypical, broadly defined ideal of what your culture tells you a man should be. The male role model you will provide yourself with will be the very specific kind of father figure that you need—a male role model for someone with your particular personality, quirks, and needs. For some, that might be a more involved father; for most, I suspect, a more tender and open one. And why not a father who would help and encourage you to grow and blossom in your own particular way—be it gay, straight, trans, bi, queer, or any shade in-between? What’s more, that father figure would be teaching you and reinforcing in you what it means for YOU to be a man with strength and self-confidence.
Here are some steps to working on creating your own positive father energy. The first step is to reclaim your inner child:
- First make a connection with your wounded inner child, the son who felt rejected by his father, and develop a clear image of who you were before the blows of rejection fell, your likes and dislikes, interests, passions, talents—your shining.
- Reinvigorate that inner child by doing something you used to like to do, a form of play or creativity (games, hobbies, activities, interests, etc.) and make a regular practice of it.
- Explore the reasons why you cut off that vulnerable, innocent, and playful side of yourself. Think about the messages you received from your real father—or the fathers in the world around you then. Focus on ways in which those hurts are still holding you back or causing certain thoughts, feelings, beliefs, and behaviors.
- Imagine your own ideal, fantasy father with whom you can have an inner dialogue. Ask yourself, “If I had grown up with my ideal, fantasy Dad, who would he have been and what would he have taught me? What would he have instilled in me?” Make sure your fantasy dad shares your sexuality and sexual orientation. For him to properly affirm who you are, you need to be confident that he understands you and your experiences, physical, mental, emotional, and sexual, and has shared many of them himself.
- Take steps to enhance your self-love. Use daily affirmations, change negative habits and mindsets, become aware of your fundamental emotional, psychological, and physical needs. Converse with your new inner dad, who only wants you to be the best version of yourself that you can be.
While the steps given here appear in brief, outline form, the work involved in each one of them can be quite activating, often triggering episodes of anxiety or depression. Try to work on this process with a trained mental health professional. Together you will discover that your inner Dad can be even more powerful than you’d imagined.
For detailed help in formulating and creating your personalized father figure and how to make use of him, a self-directed online course is available through www.fatherfigures.info.