Over the years, I have seen many male clients, of all sexualities, and it has become obvious to me that the majority of them had absent fathers (or father figures), that is, absent in one way or another. While many grew up with physically absent fathers, others had fathers or father figures who were emotionally or psychologically absent or were in no way nurturing. The absence of a positive father figure can result in a young child’s lack of internal structure, what is called a “negative father complex.”
A boy with a negative father complex has trouble creating his own internal schedule and disciplining himself. He doesn’t like setting goals or making choices because he will have to hold himself to them. He will often have trouble identifying his own needs and can lose sight of his inner strength, strength that is rooted in primitive energy and natural male aggression.
Research shows that sons who do not receive adequate fathering, or who find male authority unworthy of respect, often have unsteady self-esteem and repress aggressiveness, ambition, and inquisitiveness. Absence of authority during early childhood—or inability to respect whatever authority figure there is—creates problems with authority as an adult.
Inadequately fathered boys often rebel against the patriarchal system, possibly leading to such extremes as addiction, sex work, and crime. Other typical long-term psychological effects of a negative father complex are childhood abuse (resulting in PTSD), depression, anxiety, anger and tantrums, passive-aggressive behaviors, procrastination, low self-esteem, abandonment fears, inability to self-discipline, emotional numbness, and self-sabotage through self-denigration, isolation, relationship problems, or inability to hold boundaries.
What else can be an indication of lack of father energy? Dependencies, legal and financial problems, relationship problems, career problems, anything that has to do with self-control. When we make ourselves do something that we do not want to do, father energy teaches us to persevere. It prompts us to keep working on something even when we are not feeling particularly inspired. It shows us how to take pride in a job well done or a career accomplishment. Without knowing how to take pride in our accomplishments, we can spend our lives looking for and living for the approval of others.
What makes a father figure different from a mother figure? You can thank evolution for that. Back in our prehistoric days, physiology and survival ruled. For millions of years, testosterone-based humans had one role in the community and estrogen-based humans had another. Over the millennia, fathers and sons, just like mothers and daughters, came to have particular sets of roles and expectations of life, and especially around child rearing: In self-help book terms, mother figures were supposed to teach us unconditional love; father figures conditional love. Both types of love are necessary for success, self-esteem, and self-control.
A father figure’s “conditionality” is always counterbalanced by affection. However, this does not mean that love outweighs the necessity of learning some hard lessons. Archetypal father energy is supposed to teach self-discipline, especially in the case of delaying gratification for a larger goal. Father energy sets limits and enforces boundaries. Such basic life skills are so fundamental to psychological development that they cannot be learned in the same way and at such depth at a later age.
Father figures are expected to—with affection—set conditions and goals for sons. Furthermore, they are supposed to teach their sons how to achieve those goals and to provide affirmation and love when their sons achieve their goals. This way they are teaching their sons to work hard and delay gratification for end results. This also teaches them the need for and the practice of patience and self-discipline, which ultimately lead to wisdom.
A strong, mature father figure also shows a boy how to deal with his own testosterone-based aggressiveness, his sexuality, his sense of exploration, and his ability to balance wants and needs against shoulds and shouldn’ts.
We all want unconditional love. We want to hear words like, “I love you no matter what you do or who you are.” Unconditional love is sought after as the highest kind of love. In the world of archetypes, it is the kind of love that easily forgives, eases the way, constantly praises, and gives you whatever you want to make you feel good. In short, a mother’s love. It is this kind of love that, left unchecked and unbalanced, produces laziness and inability to accept responsibility.
Unconditional love needs to be counterbalanced by conditional love. Conditional love says, “You need to do something and then I will show you I love you and reward you.” Conditional love teaches us to keep promises, set limits, delay gratification, and enforce boundaries. With conditional love comes learning, abstract thinking, and the desire to accomplish. Teaching ourselves the lessons of conditional love is the work of a lifetime for boys who lacked a nurturing father.