Mononormativity affects how we view relationships and even mental health. For example, many therapists consider the ability to maintain a long-term, monogamous relationship as a sign of emotional health. But that is not true for everyone. Some people choose not to be in exclusive relationships—not because they fear intimacy, but because they do not feel that monogamy fits their values or desires. They may believe that monogamy is a rule created by evolution, government, or religion, rather than a personal truth.

People who prefer open relationships, polyamory (having multiple loving partners), asexuality (not experiencing sexual attraction), or casual sex are often unfairly seen as immature or emotionally unhealthy. But instead of judging these people, we should be asking a different question: Are their relationships working for them?

A 2015 study* found that people in nontraditional relationships were just as healthy, happy, and sexually satisfied as those in monogamous ones. The study used the term (non)monogamy to include all the different ways people manage emotional and sexual connections—whether with one person or many. This idea encourages us to see relationships as existing on a spectrum, rather than fitting into neat categories. It allows for a more human and flexible understanding of how people connect.

People in non-monogamous relationships often face judgment from others, including family, friends, and society. They also must deal with their own internalized beliefs about what relationships “should” look like—which might induce feelings of jealousy or ownership. That is why it is important for people to be honest with themselves about what they truly want and need, and to clearly communicate and agree on relationship rules with their partners. These agreements should be flexible and open to change as needed.

In therapy, when clients feel unsure or conflicted about monogamy, a helpful approach is to separate their sexual needs from their emotional needs. Sexual needs come from physical desire and hormones, while emotional needs come from the desire to feel connected, loved, and secure. Sometimes, these needs can overlap, as in romantic relationships. Where they do not overlap, however, is where we need to look.

The goal in therapy is not to push someone toward monogamy or any one lifestyle. It is to help them understand their own desires and figure out how to meet those needs in a healthy, honest way. By doing this, people can accept themselves as they are, rather than trying to fit into narrow societal standards that may not bring them true happiness.

*Van Eeden-Moorefield, B., Malloy, K., & Benson, K. (2015, Dec. 14). Gay Men’s (Non)Monogamy Ideals and Lived Experience. Sex Roles, 75, 43-55.

Photo by Mario Häfliger on Unsplash

People who prefer not to be in an exclusive couple, who might do better with open relationships, asexuality, polyamory, or just plain anonymous sex (with emotional needs being met elsewhere) are thus judged to be somehow “less than,” because they do not aspire to romantic couple-ness. While these people are often looked down on as emotionally immature or unable to commit or even intimacy-averse, we had much better look at how these individuals are identifying and embracing their wants and needs and rejecting those they are “supposed” to be having only because society or their own internalized societal rules tell them to. Are these non-traditional relationships working for the partners? Researchers in a 2015 study* found no difference in the participants’ scores on health/well-being, relationship quality, and sexual satisfaction.

(Non)monogamy

Using the inclusive term “(non)monogamy” to describe all the ways in which emotional and sexual exclusivity are navigated, the authors of this study write, “(non)monogamy lies on multiple continua of physical and emotional involvement with one or more partners.” Those multiple continua allow us to move away from binary viewpoints of human needs and apply a more nuanced and humanistic lens to our relationships, whether emotional, sexual, or both. People in these nontraditional relationships also need to be capable of enjoying such “alternative lifestyles” despite the possible judgment of friends, family, and society, as well as the internalized set of subconscious norms that we all bring with us into relationships—possibly even including jealousy and possessiveness. Thus, clear-headedness about one’s own wants and needs and capabilities is necessary, as well as explicit, agreed-upon rules for all partners (which always remain open to renegotiation).

With clients who find themselves puzzled and ambivalent about monogamy, I have often worked to help them evaluate sexual needs and attachment needs as two separate but sometimes overlapping drives. By this I mean that we can see a drive for sexual expression (deriving from hormones and libido) and one for attachment needs (deriving from the need to belong, to feel loved and connected to another human). Like two partially overlapping circles in a Venn diagram, these two drives can combine to form a romantic drive, in which sex and love are combined. Sometimes, however, there is no overlap, or an overlap such that the vast majority of sexual and attachment needs fall outside the overlap area. One reading of Freud interprets the Oedipal crisis as one in which these two drives are “supposed to” link up. For many of us, this simply failed to happen, or happened in a way that was fraught with complications.

Our job in therapy is to identify a client’s wants and needs with regard to sex and love and to reflect on these while asking ourselves how well they are going about having these met. Often this also reveals what clients are capable and incapable of. By doing this we can find a place of acceptance and self-compassion for being who we really are and rejecting outside standards that have nothing to do with our own sense of satisfaction and happiness within our own hearts and bodies.

David Bowman LMFT is a licensed psychotherapist based in Los Angeles, California.

*Van Eeden-Moorefield, B., Malloy, K., & Benson, K. (2015, Dec. 14). Gay Men’s (Non)Monogamy Ideals and Lived Experience. Sex Roles, 75, 43-55.

Photo by Robert V. Ruggiero on Unsplash

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For many of us in one (or more) of life’s many closets, the existential loneliness is what prompts thoughts of suicide: If I am already this alone in the universe, feeling this much pain and alienation, why not just end it? Carl Jung says there are only two cures for existential loneliness: love and spirituality. All other attempts to soothe our human angst are shortcuts to these, substitutes for them, pale imitations by virtue of being chemical or sensory experiences, or particular behaviors and beliefs that we tell ourselves will “ward off the evil spirits.”

For most people, love is the easiest and most pleasant way to stave off existential loneliness, usually love of one’s partner and family. The fact that this model works for the vast majority of people does NOT mean that it works for everyone. In fact, its predominance in the culture produces heteronormativity and couple-normativity, what most people think will make “everyone” happy. But the pressure—the brainwashing, even—from society to be straight and to be coupled can suffocate or paralyze those who are not 100 percent heterosexual or who do not thrive as part of a monogamous couple. Where is the human comfort for these people?

The drive for love, for sex, for intimacy, for physical closeness with another human being, these do not necessarily have to be fulfilled by one romantic, monogamous partner. Evolutionary forces (bolstered by religion) have promoted the opposite of this, however, to the point of even outlawing and punishing other choices. Now, in 2018, open relationships, polyamory, and alternative lifestyles are increasingly presenting themselves as options to clients of mine, as are same time, next year/month/week relationships, and even deep friendships that include cuddling but not sex—or vice versa. The sex drive can be satisfied in many different ways, as can the drive to be connected to others.

In therapy we try to find out what are truly our wants and needs for connection with others, as opposed to those we have been force-fed by family, friends, and society. For many of us, however, it can be very hard to accept that our path in this matter is not that of others. Admitting who we are and what we need (and don’t need or want) is the first step in living life honestly and joyfully—the only way to coexist with existential loneliness.

David Bowman LMFT is a licensed psychotherapist based in Los Angeles, California.

Photo credit: Gerome Viavant UNSPLASH