In these high anxiety-producing times, it is often an enjoyable tendency, sometimes addictive–but normal– to idealize some time, some place, some people in our past and wish we could go back there. Back to a time in which we had an exciting and unfolding life, but one in which we felt safe. Looking back on that time, and in spite of the cold, unknown, randomizing universe, we still felt swaddled in a safe and comforting blanket all our own, no matter how small. It remains a mental island of peace in the universe.

It can be heartbreaking when we find out that not only is there no return to that place, the place itself has changed. The people there have changed. The times, the mindset, and the culture have all changed. Slowly it sinks in that those golden times have been frozen in the mind for all those years, conveniently ignoring the fact that time changes all things. Those frozen memories, however, can accrue many different meanings and uses in our lives over the years. It can be uncomfortable and disheartening to defrost the frozen memories and only see the losses. It can make one bitter.

We must understand this as the real call to adulthood, the first part of which is letting go of impossible plans based on previous versions of ourselves and old memories. Even creating new goals and life patterns can still be held back by the teachings of the golden memories, not by who we are now and the world of today. The second, and really more important part of accepting adulthood is to create new meaning, new sets of goals, new ways of living based upon who we really are now. This calls for ruthless truth-telling with ourselves and the willingness to give up self-delusion.

What can be re-created in the now, however, is the sense of adventure, of self-confidence, of a dream future, tools that helped define those previous golden times. We must let go of the wish that the world would return to the state it was back then. We must replace it with what we want it to mean to ourselves (and to the world) in the now and in the future. This refocusing allows the brain to hone in on something doable, which takes the place of something undoable (in itself, depressing). This is the way to avoid bitterness.

Viktor Frankl, psychiatrist, father of logotherapy (therapy by finding meaning in one’s life), and an Auschwitz survivor, wrote in his masterpiece, Man’s Search for Meaning: “Logotherapy, in comparison with psychoanalysis, is a method less retrospective and less introspective. Logotherapy focuses rather on the future, that is to say, on the meanings to be fulfilled by the patient in his future.”* Logotherapy intersects with the desire to make new goals and find new purposes to one’s life. Finding meaning in one’s life means living in the present, not in idealistic and unrealistic fantasies of re-creating the past. Living in the present asks us to come up with new goals and new ways to achieve those goals.

*Viktor E. Frankl: Man’s Search for Meaning (rev. and updated). Washington Square Press ©1959, 1962, 1984, p.120.

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Treatment for depression can take many forms, and psychotherapy is one of many approaches to take, depending on the roots and symptoms (or even projected successful outcomes!) of anyone’s particular kind of depression. One of the first steps, however, is to check with your medical provider and rule out any physical or organic causes (e.g., hormonal) for your depression. After that, it’s worth looking into the causes of these feelings, even if they’re only the normal ups and downs of everyday life.

Other treatments include antidepressants and other psychotropic medications, and while I cannot prescribe them, I can certainly evaluate my clients’ need for them, as well as monitor their effectiveness over time. Antidepressants can provide much-needed relief and even prevent a deepening of the depression. However, much like giving analgesics for a broken arm, they can kill the pain, but they won’t heal the wound. Along with antidepressants, consider also natural and holistic means of finding relief through mindfulness, meditation, yoga, and various healing herbs.

Psychological treatment for depression can run the gamut from Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) to Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) to psychodynamic inquiry into the deep roots of mood disorders. Another approach I find very fruitful is one outlined years ago by Viktor Frankl in his masterwork “Man’s Search for Meaning.” In this work, Frankl describes how happiness is achieved not by deciding what will make you happy and “just going for it,” but for deciding on a higher purpose for your life, and in having your life mean something. Surprise—along comes happiness! Frankl called this kind of therapy “logotherapy,” from the Greek word “logos,” or “meaning.” Finding your meaning in life allows happiness to arrive as a natural outgrowth of something bigger in life, and with this approach, the depression begins to lift. While I am not a certified logotherapist, I do find this same element of finding meaning helpful in alleviating depression and anxiety, in identity development, dealing with artistic blocks, even in recovery from alcoholism and addiction.

In depression, as in other psychological states, symptom relief is one thing, but wound healing is often another. Here again the psychotherapist helps you hone in on the upsetting event, memory, thought, or feeling that lies underneath the depression. In fact, the depression is usually a symptom and manifestation of something else untended to in the psyche. Finding its role in the meaning of your life helps you put the depression into perspective, helps you lift your eyes to hopefulness, gives you a reason to climb out of that funk.

David Bowman LMFT is a licensed psychotherapist based in Los Angeles, California.

Photo credit: Noah Silliman UNSPLASH