For many of us in one (or more) of life’s many closets, the existential loneliness is what prompts thoughts of suicide: If I am already this alone in the universe, feeling this much pain and alienation, why not just end it? Carl Jung says there are only two cures for existential loneliness: love and spirituality. All other attempts to soothe our human angst are shortcuts to these, substitutes for them, pale imitations by virtue of being chemical or sensory experiences, or particular behaviors and beliefs that we tell ourselves will “ward off the evil spirits.”

For most people, love is the easiest and most pleasant way to stave off existential loneliness, usually love of one’s partner and family. The fact that this model works for the vast majority of people does NOT mean that it works for everyone. In fact, its predominance in the culture produces heteronormativity and couple-normativity, what most people think will make “everyone” happy. But the pressure—the brainwashing, even—from society to be straight and to be coupled can suffocate or paralyze those who are not 100 percent heterosexual or who do not thrive as part of a monogamous couple. Where is the human comfort for these people?

The drive for love, for sex, for intimacy, for physical closeness with another human being, these do not necessarily have to be fulfilled by one romantic, monogamous partner. Evolutionary forces (bolstered by religion) have promoted the opposite of this, however, to the point of even outlawing and punishing other choices. Now, in 2018, open relationships, polyamory, and alternative lifestyles are increasingly presenting themselves as options to clients of mine, as are same time, next year/month/week relationships, and even deep friendships that include cuddling but not sex—or vice versa. The sex drive can be satisfied in many different ways, as can the drive to be connected to others.

In therapy we try to find out what are truly our wants and needs for connection with others, as opposed to those we have been force-fed by family, friends, and society. For many of us, however, it can be very hard to accept that our path in this matter is not that of others. Admitting who we are and what we need (and don’t need or want) is the first step in living life honestly and joyfully—the only way to coexist with existential loneliness.

David Bowman LMFT is a licensed psychotherapist based in Los Angeles, California.

Photo credit: Gerome Viavant UNSPLASH

For anyone who is not 100 percent heterosexual, coming out of the closet is another form of self-actualization, as you are forced to be truthful about your sexuality in order to be truer to your real self. Later in life, self-actualization is a kind of continual coming out, too, as you must continually reveal your true and better self, both to yourself and to others, in order to fulfill yourself. Normally, coming out is an issue that presents itself to us earlier in life than questions of self-actualization do. The urgency of hormones, the wish to love and be loved, and the need to be touched usually drive human behavior much sooner in life than questions of the meaning of life and how to live your life in accordance with your own meaning.

The coming out process is a long and complicated one, and one that takes place on many levels, both inwardly and outwardly, privately and publicly. Recently, I saw that a “Gay Teenaged Hero” was going to be profiled on a local TV newsmagazine, a light-skinned Latino kid in junior high school who had come out and started a Gay-Straight Alliance at his school. I made sure to tune in, prepared to be proud of this kid who had so much courage. What struck me was the way the boy spoke and acted: If my eyes weren’t open, I would have sworn I was hearing RuPaul in her most bitchy, queenly, judgmental, snap! snap! GURRRL!!! tone of voice. This was that 12-year-old kid’s idea of what gay people sound like. For a gay-identifying kid, what role models does the culture provide? For many of my clients, too, the choice is between a caricature of a drag queen or a closet case on the down-low.

What the lack of role models results in—stunted character growth—can also be caused by inability to resist peer pressure. Some of my 20- and 30-something clients, emerging from the college and postgrad experience, where cliques of friends have defined their respective lives for years, have great difficulty coming out or self-actualizing, because it means now separating from the pack. While that is always a hard thing to do, often it is required or even life-saving. You can suffocate in many different kinds of closets.

The bravery required to make a change and not to know what your life is going to be on the other side is often only seen as bravery by others. For those who are forced to take these steps, however, it can be a matter of survival, survival of our entire physical, psychological, sexual, and intellectual being. Is it any wonder, then, that a 12-year-old boy takes solace in the identity of a proud and sassy drag queen until he finds the bravery to discover his own particular kind of gay? Or a mid-30-something professional wrestles with demons of wanting to stay with his college fraternity brothers whom he has long outgrown? In therapy, we try to find some compassion for them and for ourselves. Growing up is hard to do—at any age.

David Bowman LMFT is a licensed psychotherapist based in Los Angeles, California.

Photo credit: Daniel Watson UNSPLASH