Human civilization took tens of thousands of years to evolve from small groups of nomadic hunter-gatherers into communities of farmers, city dwellers, merchants, explorers, readers, and writers. Great shifts in lifestyle reshape how people relate to one another. Only about 250 years have passed since the last major change—the Industrial Revolution—and now we stand on the edge of another: the Virtual Revolution.

In this new era, our ways of connecting, communicating, and finding meaning are changing again. The traditional image of a family gathered around a fire or dinner table has been replaced by children and adults absorbed in digital worlds. Many people feel more comfortable online than in their real lives. We take for granted the marvels of modern life—artificial intelligence, instant communication, endless entertainment, advanced medicine, and longer lifespans. Yet, as our virtual connections grow stronger, some real-world bonds—especially between fathers and children—are fading or taking unfamiliar forms.

Fortunately, psychology has advanced enough to recognize and treat some of the emotional wounds caused by absent or distant father figures. Absence does not always mean physical disappearance. A father can live in the same home yet be emotionally, spiritually, or mentally unavailable. Such absence can leave deep and lasting effects on a child’s sense of worth, confidence, and identity.

Take Gary, for example. His father was a high-school coach who constantly pressured his son to excel in sports, though Gary had no interest or talent for athletics. When not demanding that Gary perform, his father spent his time at football games with his team, drinking with friends, or ignoring his family. Although he considered himself a responsible father, he never truly knew his son. Gary’s memories of him were filled with pain and rejection. It was only later, as an adult, that Gary realized he needed to become the father he never had—someone capable of offering himself guidance, kindness, and support.

In my work as a therapist, I use an approach called reparenting—replacing the old, unhelpful messages learned from one’s original parental figures with new, healing and empowering messages. The essence of this practice is that no one else can heal the wounds left by an absent father so long ago. We must learn to do it ourselves. That means finding an internal voice to affirm our own worth, give ourselves approval, feel that we belong, and cultivate inner strength and safety.

For men especially, this process involves recognizing what lessons or qualities were missing from their relationship with their fathers—such as protection, encouragement, wisdom, or conditional love—and consciously developing those qualities within themselves. By doing so, they create an inner father figure, an idealized source of guidance who can mentor and support them throughout life.

Ultimately, refathering ourselves is not about replacing our biological fathers but about reclaiming the father energy we lack. It is an act of self-discovery and growth—learning to become our own source of wisdom, confidence, and compassion for the rest of our lives.

*James Hollis: Under Saturn’s Shadow: The Wounding and Healing of Men. Inner City Books, 1994, pp. 84-85.

Photo by Tim Mossholder on Unsplash

It is easy to get stuck in complaints about the father you never got or in blaming the father figure you did get for not giving you the thing you needed and wanted. And while it is important to understand what went on back then (and what coping mechanisms you adopted to survive those circumstances), it is equally important to learn how to provide that missing “thing” for yourself. Now that you are an adult, no parent, no friend, no addiction, and certainly no “one-and-only” can provide that “thing” for you now.

How do you provide that missing male role-modeling for yourself? By this I do NOT mean some stereotypical, broadly defined ideal of what your culture tells you a man should be. The male role model you will provide yourself with will be the very specific kind of father figure that you need—a male role model for someone with your particular personality, quirks, and needs. For some, that might be a more involved father; for most, I suspect, a more tender and open one. And why not a father who would help and encourage you to grow and blossom in your own particular way—be it gay, straight, trans, bi, queer, or any shade in-between? What’s more, that father figure would be teaching you and reinforcing in you what it means for YOU to be a man with strength and self-confidence.

Here are some steps to working on creating your own positive father energy. The first step is to reclaim your inner child:

1. First make a connection with your wounded inner child, the son who felt rejected by his father, and develop a clear image of who you were before the blows of rejection fell, your likes and dislikes, interests, passions, talents—your shining.
2. Reinvigorate that inner child by doing something you used to like to do, a form of play or creativity (games, hobbies, activities, interests, etc.) and make a regular practice of it.
3. Explore the reasons why you cut off that vulnerable, innocent, and playful side of yourself. Think about the messages you received from your real father—or the fathers in the world around you then. Focus on ways in which those hurts are still holding you back or causing certain thoughts, feelings, beliefs, and behaviors.
4. Imagine your own ideal, fantasy father with whom you can have an inner dialogue. Ask yourself, “If I had grown up with my ideal, fantasy Dad, who would he have been and what would he have taught me? What would he have instilled in me?” Make sure your fantasy dad shares your sexuality and sexual orientation. For him to properly affirm who you are, you need to be confident that he understands you and your experiences, physical, mental, emotional, and sexual, and has shared many of them himself.
5. Take steps to enhance your self-love. Use daily affirmations, change negative habits and mindsets, become aware of your fundamental emotional, psychological, and physical needs. Converse with your new inner dad, who only wants you to be the best version of yourself that you can be.

While the steps given here appear in brief, outline form, the work involved in each one of them can be quite activating, often triggering episodes of anxiety or depression. Try to work on this process with a trained mental health professional. Together you will discover that your inner Dad can be even more powerful than you’d imagined.

For detailed help in formulating and creating your personalized father figure and how to make use of him, a self-directed online course is available through www.fatherfigures.info.

Photo by Harika G on Unsplash

Since we cannot go back in time and change our fathers or our childhood experiences with them, how then do we provide that “father energy” for ourselves now? How do we learn to father ourselves? What are the guidelines for reparenting ourselves? How do we supplant the negative inner parental voices with a positive one? “The challenge for men with missing fathers,” writes Corbeau, “is to themselves become the fathers they lacked.”

Here are some steps to working on creating your own positive father energy. The first step is to reclaim your inner child:

1. First make a connection with your wounded inner child, the son who felt rejected by his father, and develop a clear image of who you were before the blows of rejection fell, your likes and dislikes, interests, passions, talents—your shining.
2. Reinvigorate that inner child by doing something you used to like to do, a form of play or creativity (games, hobbies, activities, interests, etc.) and make a regular practice of it.
3. Explore the reasons why you cut off that vulnerable, innocent, and playful side of yourself. Think about the messages you received from your real father—or the lack of them. Focus on ways in which those hurts are still holding you back or causing certain thoughts, feelings, beliefs, and behaviors.
4. Imagine your own ideal, fantasy father with whom you can have an inner dialogue. Ask yourself, “If I had grown up with my ideal, fantasy Dad, who would he have been and what would he have taught me? What would he have instilled in me?” Make sure your fantasy dad shares your sexuality and sexual orientation. For him to properly affirm who you are, you need to be confident that he understands you and your experiences, physical, mental, emotional, and sexual, and has shared many of them himself.
5. Take steps to enhance your self-love. Use daily affirmations, change negative habits and mindsets, become aware of your fundamental emotional, psychological, and physical needs. Converse with your new inner dad, who only wants you to be the best version of yourself that you can be.

While the steps given here appear in brief, outline form, the work involved in each one of them can be quite activating, often triggering episodes of anxiety or depression. Try to work this process with a trained mental health professional. Together you will discover that your inner Daddy can be even more powerful than you’d imagined.

David Bowman LMFT is a licensed psychotherapist based in Los Angeles, California.

Photo credit: Katherine Chase UNSPLASH

When doing therapy, it’s easy to get stuck in “what I didn’t get,” or “why I didn’t get it,” or even “let’s blame the person who didn’t give me what I needed.” And while it is important to understand what went on back then (and what coping mechanisms we adopted to survive those circumstances), it is equally important to learn how to provide that missing “thing” for ourselves. Now that we are adults ourselves, no parent, no friend, no addiction, and certainly no “one-and-only” can provide it for us now.

Which brings me back to Daddy Issues and the missing “father energy.” How do we provide that missing male role-modeling for ourselves?  By this I do NOT mean some stereotypical, broadly defined ideal of what your culture tells you a man should be. No, I mean that the male role model you provide yourself be the very specific kind of father figure that you need—a male role model for someone with your particular personality, quirks, and needs. For some, that might be a more involved father; for most I suspect a more tender and open one.  And how about one who would help and encourage you to grow and blossom in your own particular way—be it gay, straight, trans, bi, queer … or any shade in-between. What’s more, that father figure would be teaching you and reinforcing in you what it means for YOU to be a man with strength and self-confidence.

Finding out who that inner father figure is, and learning how to create him and call on him for yourself is the work of therapy. In a later article I will begin to describe the work needed to define a male role model who is right for you.

David Bowman LMFT is a licensed psychotherapist based in Los Angeles, California.

Photo credit: Annie Spratt UNSPLASH